Here is a great script from 1950’s radio, The Goon Show, for your performing pleasure. This script can be found in several places on the web. What is different here is that it includes audio clips for the sound effects (F.X.) and the songs. Your performance can be like the original! Or as close as you can get without the BBC budget for an orchestra and sound effects. You and friends can read the dialogue and someone can play the sounds and scroll the page.
(My apologies the page styling is so basic — I will be addressing that later)

There are some explanations and instructions you may want to read at the bottom of this page. Scroll or click here.

THE DREADED BATTER PUDDING HURLER
(OF BEXHILL ON SEA)

The Goon Show: No. 102 (5th Series, No. 3)
Transmission: Tuesday, 12th October 1954:
8:30-9:00 p.m. Home Service
Studio: Paris Cinema, London

The main characters
Mr Henry CrunPeter Sellers
Miss Minnie BannisterSpike Milligan
Ned SeagoonHarry Secombe
Lance Brigadier Grytpype-ThynnePeter Sellers
Sergeant ThroatSpike Milligan
Major Denis BloodnokPeter Sellers
EcclesSpike Milligan
OdiumSpike Milligan
MoriartySpike Milligan
WilliumPeter Sellers
BluebottlePeter Sellers

The Ray Ellington Quartet
Max Geldray
Orchestra Conducted by Wally Stott
Announcer: Wallace Greenslade
Script by Spike Milligan
Production by Peter Eton

How young Ned Seagoon was called in by the terrorised gentlefolk of Bexhill to help track down the dreaded Batter Pudding Hurler. Striking when least expected, the ‘Hurler’ caused such havoc during the blackout of 1941 that troops, massed against the German invasion, were ordered to join the hunt. A trail of cold Batter Puddings eventually led Ned Seagoon to North Africa where, with the aid of Major Bloodnok, he finally cornered the traitor …

BILL This is the BBC Home Service.
F.X. PENNY IN MUG.

BILL Thank you. We now come to the radio show entirely dedicated to the downfall of John Snagge.
HARRY He refers, of course, to the highly esteemed Goon Show.
GRAMS SORROWFUL MARCH WITH WAILS.

HARRY Stop! Time for laughs later — but now to business. Mr. Greenslade? Come over here.
F.X. CHAINS.

BILL Yes, Master?
HARRY Tell the waiting world what we have for them.
BILL My lords, ladies and other National Assistance holders — tonight the League of Burmese Trombonists presents a best-seller play entitled:
ORCHESTRA TYMPANY ROLL. HELD UNDER:—

PETER The Terror of Bexhill-on-Sea or…
ORCHESTRA THREE DRAMATIC CHORDS.

HARRY The Dreaded Batter Pudding Hurler.
ORCHESTRA CLIMAX. THEN DOWN NOW BEHIND:—

BILL The English Channel 1941. Across the silent strip of green-grey water — in England — coastal towns were deserted, except for people. Despite the threat of invasion and the stringent blackout rules, elderly gentlefolk of Bexhill-on-Sea still took their evening constitutions.
F.X. EBB TIDE ON A GRAVEL BEACH.

CRUN Ohhh — it’s quite windy on these cliffs.
MINNIE What a nice summer evening — typical English.
CRUN Mnk yes — the rain’s lovely and warm — I think I’ll take one of my sou’westers off — here, hold my elephant gun.
MINNIE I don’t know what you brought it for — you can’t shoot elephants in England.
CRUN Mnk? Why not?
MINNIE They’re out of season.
CRUN Does this mean we’ll have to have pelican for dinner again?
MINNIE Yes, I’m afraid so.
CRUN Then I’ll risk it, I’ll shoot an elephant out of season.
BOTH (Go off mumbling in distance)
BILL Listeners who are listening will, of course, realise that Minnie and Henry are talking rubbish — as erudite people will realise, there are no elephants in Sussex. They are only found in Kent North on a straight line drawn between two points thus making it the shortest distance.
F.X. PENNY IN MUG.

BILL Thank you.
CRUN … well, if that’s how it is I can’t shoot any.
MINNIE Come Henry, we’d better be getting home — I don’t want to be caught on the beaches if there’s an invasion.
CRUN Neither do I — I’m wearing a dirty shirt and I— mnk — don’t —
F.X. CLANK OF IRON OVEN DOOR.

CRUN …Minnie?
MINNIE What what?
CRUN Did you hear a gas oven door slam just then?
MINNIE Don’t be silly, Henry — who’d be walking around these cliffs with a gas oven?
CRUN Lady Docker.
MINNIE Yes, but apart from the obvious ones — who’d want to…
F.X. WHOOSH — SPLOSH — BATTER PUDDING HITTING MINNIE

MINNIE Ooooooooooooooohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohoho…
CRUN No, I’ve never heard of him.
MINNIE Help, Henery — I’ve been struck down from behind. Helpp.
CRUN Mnk — oh dear dear. (Calls) Police — English Police — Law Guardians???
MINNIE Not too loud, Henry, they’ll hear you.
F.X. POLICE WHISTLE.

SEAGOON (approaching) Can I help you, sir?
CRUN Are you a policeman?
SEAGOON No, I’m a constable.
CRUN What’s the difference?
SEAGOON They’re spelt differently.
MINNIE Ohhhhhhhh.
SEAGOON Oh! What’s happened to this dear old silver-bearded lady?
CRUN She was struck down from behind.
SEAGOON And not a moment too soon — congratulations, sir.
CRUN I didn’t do it.
SEAGOON Coward — hand back your OBE. Now tell me who did this felonous deed. What’s happened to her?
CRUN It’s too dark to see — strike a light.
SEAGOON Not allowed in blackout.
MINNIE Strike a dark light.
SEAGOON No madam, we daren’t — why, only twenty-eight miles across the Channel the Germans are watching this coast.
CRUN Don’t be a silly-pilly policeman — they can’t see a little match being struck.
SEAGOON Oh, alright.
F.X. MATCH STRIKING — QUICK WHOOSH OF SHELL — SHELL EXPLODES.

SEAGOON Any questions?
CRUN Yes — where are my legs?
SEAGOON Are you now aware of the danger from German long-range guns?
CRUN Mnk ahh! I’ve got it — I have the answer — just by chance I happen to have on me a box of German matches.
SEAGOON Wonderful — strike one — they won’t fire at their own matches.
CRUN Of course not — now…
F.X. MATCH STRIKING AND FLARING — WHOOSH OF SHELL — SHELL BURST.

CRUN …Curse …the British!!!
SEAGOON We tried using a candle, but it wasn’t very bright and we daren’t light it — so we waited for dawn — and there, in the light of the morning sun, we saw what had struck Miss Bannister. It was — a Batter Pudding.
ORCHESTRA DRAMATIC CHORD.

CRUN It’s still warm, Minnie.
MINNIE Thank Heaven — I hate cold Batter Pudding.
CRUN Come, Minnie, I’ll take you home — give you a hot bath — rub you down with the anti-vapour rub — put a plaster on your back — give your feet a mustard bath, and then put you to bed.
SEAGOON Do you know this woman?
CRUN Devilish man — of course I do — this is Minnie Bannister, the world-famous poker player — give her a good poker and she’ll play any tune you like.
SEAGOON Well, get her off this cliff, it’s dangerous. Meantime, I must report this to the Inspector. I’ll call on you later — goodbye.
F.X. (PAUSE) DISTANT SPLASH.

SEAGOON As I swam ashore I dried myself to save time. That night I lay awake in my air-conditioned dustbin thinking — who on earth would want to strike another with a Batter Pudding? Obviously it wouldn’t happen again, so I fell asleep. Nothing much happened that night — except that I was struck with a Batter Pudding.
SPIKE Mmmmm — it’s all rather confusing, really.
BILL In the months to come, thirty-eight Batter Puddings were hurled at Miss Bannister — a madman was at large — Scotland Yard were called in.
ORCHESTRA LINK.

GRYTPYPE-THYNNE (Sanders throughout) Inspector Seagoon — my name is Hercules Grytpype-Thynne, Special Investigation. This Batter Pudding Hurler —
SEAGOON Yes?
GRYTPYPE-THYNNE He’s made a fool of the police.
SEAGOON I disagree — we were fools long before he came along.
GRYTPYPE-THYNNE You silly twisted boy. Nevertheless, he’s got to be stopped — now, Seagoon —
SEAGOON Yes yes yes yes yes yes?
GRYTPYPE-THYNNE …Please don’t do that. Now, these Batter Puddings — they were obviously thrown by hand.
SEAGOON Not necessarily — some people are pretty clever with their feet.
GRYTPYPE-THYNNE For instance?
SEAGOON Tom Cringingknutt.
GRYTPYPE-THYNNE Who’s he?
SEAGOON He’s a man who’s pretty clever with his feet.
GRYTPYPE-THYNNE What’s his name?
SEAGOON Jim Phlatcrok.
GRYTPYPE-THYNNE Sergeant Throat?
THROAT Sir?
GRYTPYPE-THYNNE Make a note of that.
THROAT Right. Anything else?
GRYTPYPE-THYNNE Yes.
THROAT Right.
GRYTPYPE-THYNNE Good. Now Seagoon — these Batter Puddings — were they all identical?
SEAGOON All except the last one. Inside it — we found this.
GRYTPYPE-THYNNE Oh! An Army Boot! So the Dreaded Hurler is a military man. Any troops in the town?
SEAGOON The fifty-sixth Heavy Underwater Artillery.
GRYTPYPE-THYNNE Get there at once — arrest the first soldier you see wearing one boot.
SEAGOON Ying tong iddle I po.
GRYTPYPE-THYNNE Right — off you go.
ORCHESTRA BLOODNOK SIGNATURE TUNE.

BLOODNOK Bleiough — aeioughhh — bleioughhhh — how dare you come here to my H.Q. with such an —
SEAGOON I tell you, Major Bloodnok, I must ask you to parade your men.
BLOODNOK Why?
SEAGOON I’m looking for a criminal.
BLOODNOK You find your own — it took me years to get this lot.
SEAGOON Ying tong iddle I po.
BLOODNOK Very well then — Bugler Max Geldray? Sound fall in — the hard way.
MAX & ORCHESTRA THEY WERE DOING THE MAMBO

(Applause)
ORCHESTRA & CAST (Murmurs of distrust)
BLOODNOK Silence, lads! I’m sorry I had to get you out of bed in the middle of the day — but I’ll see you get extra pay for this.
ORCHESTRA & CAST You flat ’eaded kipper — Gawn, drop dead — I’ll claht yer flippin’ head — Gorn, shimmer orf.
BLOODNOK Ahhhhhhh, that’s what I like — spirit. Now, Seagoon — which is the man?
SEAGOON I walked among the ranks looking for the soldier with one boot but my luck was out: the entire regiment were barefooted — all save the officers who wore reinforced concrete socks.
BLOODNOK Look Seagoon, it’s getting dark. You can’t see in this light.
SEAGOON I’ll strike a match.
F.X. MATCH…WHOOSH OF SHELL EXPLOSION.

SEAGOON Curse, I forgot about the Germans.
ECCLES We want our beddy byes.
SEAGOON Who are you?
ECCLES Lance Private Eccles, but most people call me by my nick-name.
SEAGOON What’s that?
ECCLES Hahum. Nick.
SEAGOON I inspected the man closely — he was the nearest thing I’d seen to a human being, without actually being one.
BLOODNOK Surely you don’t suspect this man — why, we were together in the same company during that terrible disaster.
SEAGOON What company was that?
BLOODNOK Desert Song 1933.
SEAGOON Were you both in the D’Oyly Carte?
BLOODNOK Right in the D’Oyly Carte.
SEAGOON I don’t wish to know that, but wait!! At last — by the light of a passing glue factory — I saw that Eccles was only wearing — one boot!
ECCLES Well, I only got one boot.
SEAGOON I know — but why are you wearing it on your head?
ECCLES Why? It fits, dat’s why — what a silly question — why — why —
SEAGOON Let me see that boot. (Sotto) Mmmm, size nineteen…(Aloud) What size head have you got?
ECCLES Size nineteen.
SEAGOON Curse — the man’s defence was perfect — Major Bloodnok?
BLOODNOK How dare you call me Major Bloodnok.
SEAGOON That’s your name.
BLOODNOK In that case — I forgive you.
SEAGOON Where’s this man’s other boot?
BLOODNOK Stolen.
SEAGOON Who by?
BLOODNOK A thief.
SEAGOON You sure it wasn’t a pickpocket?
BLOODNOK Positive — Eccles never keeps his boots in his pocket.
SEAGOON Damn. They all had a watertight alibi — but just to make sure I left it in a fish tank overnight. Next morning my breast pocket ’phone rang.
F.X. RING.

SEAGOON Hello?
CRUN Mr. Seagoon — Minnie’s been hit with another Batter Pudding.
SEAGOON Well, that’s nothing new.
CRUN It was — this one was stone cold.
SEAGOON Cold???
CRUN Yes — he must be losing interest in her.
SEAGOON It proves also that the phantom Batter Pudding Hurler has had his gas-pipe cut off! Taxi!
F.X. BAGPIPES. RUNNING DOWN.

SPIKE Yes?
SEAGOON The Bexhill Gas Works, and step on it.
SPIKE Yes.
F.X. BAGPIPES. FADE OFF.

BILL Listeners may be puzzled by a taxi sounding like bagpipes. The truth is — it is all part of the BBC new economy campaign. They have discovered that it is cheaper to travel by bagpipes — not only are they more musical, but they come in a wide variety of colours. See your local Bagpipe Offices and ask for particulars — you won’t be disappointed.
SPIKE It’s all rather confusing, really…
PETER Meantime, Neddie Seagoon had arrived at the Bexhill Gas and Coke Works.
SEAGOON Phewwwwwww blimeyyyyy — anyone about?
ODIUM Yerererererere.
SEAGOON Good.
ODIUM Yerrer.
SEAGOON I’d like a list of people who haven’t paid their gas bills.
ODIUM Yererererere —
SEAGOON Oh, thank you. Now here’s a good list — I’ll try this number.
F.X. DIALLING.

SEAGOON Think we’ve got him this time — hello?
PETER (Winston Churchill— distort) Ten Downing Street here.
SEAGOON (gulp) I’m sorry.
F.X. CLICK.

SEAGOON No,it couldn’t be him — who would he want to throw a Batter Pudding at?
F.X. QUICK ’PHONE RING.

SEAGOON Hello? Police here.
SPIKE This is Mr Attlee — someone’s just thrown a Batter Pudding at me.
ORCHESTRA TYMPANY ROLL HELD UNDER NEXT SPEECH:—

SEAGOON Months went by — still no sign of the Dreaded Hurler. Finally I walked the streets of Bexhill at night disguised as a human man — then suddenly!!
ORCHESTRA FLARING CHORD.

SEAGOON Nothing happened. But it happened suddenly. Disappointed, I lit my pipe.
F.X. MATCH. WHOOSH OF SHELL. EXPLOSION OF SHELL.

SEAGOON Curse those Germans.
MORIARTY Pardon me, my friend.
SEAGOON I turned to see the speaker — he was a tall man wearing sensible feet and a head to match. He was dressed in the full white outfit of a Savoy chef — around his waist were tied several thousand cooking instruments — behind him he pulled a portable gas stove from which issued forth the smell of Batter Pudding.
MORIARTY Could I borrow a match? You see, my gas has gone out and my Batter Pudding was just browning.
SEAGOON Certainly. Here — no — keep the whole box — I have another match at home.
MORIARTY So rich. Well, thank you, m’sieu — you have saved my Batter Pudding from getting cold. There’s nothing worse than being struck down with a cold Batter Pudding.
SEAGOON Oh yes.
MORIARTY Good night.
SEAGOON I watched the strange man as he pulled his gas stove away into the darkness. But I couldn’t waste time watching him — my job was to find the Dreaded Batter Pudding Hurler.
BILL Those listeners who think that Seagoon is not cut out to be a detective — please write to him care of Rowton House.
SEAGOON On December 25th the Hurler changed his tactics — that day Miss Bannister was struck with a Christmas Pudding. Naturally, I searched the workhouse.
WILLIUM No sir — we ain’t had no Christmas puddin’ here, have we mate?
SPIKE No.
WILLIUM We ain’t had none for three years, have we mate?
SPIKE No — it’s all rather annoying, really.
CRUN (approaching) Ahh Mr Sniklecrum…
MINNIE Ahhhhhh.
SEAGOON Mr Crun, Miss Bannister, what are you doing here?
CRUN Mnk, Minnie had a letter this morning.
MINNIE I had a letter.
CRUN Mn gnup…I’ll tell him, Minnie.
MINNIE Thank you, Henry.
CRUN Mnk — yes, she had a —
MINNIE Yess, you tell him.
CRUN Alright, I’ll tell…
MINNIE …Yes…
CRUN She had a lett…
SEAGOON Yes, I know she had a letter — what about it?
CRUN It proves that the Batter Pudding Hurler is abroad.
SEAGOON What? Why? How?
CRUN It was post-marked Africa — and inside was a portion of Batter Puddin’.
MINNIE Yes — he hasn’t forgotten me.
SEAGOON So he’s in Africa — now we’ve got him cornered. I must leave at once. Bluebottle!
BLUEBOTTLE I heard you call, my Capatain — I heard my Captain call— waits for audience applause — not a sausage — puts on I don’t care expression as done by Aneurin Bevan at Blackpool Conservative Rally.
SEAGOON Bluebottle — you and I are going to Africa.
BLUEBOTTLE Good — can we take sandwiches?
SEAGOON Only for food — any questions?
BLUEBOTTLE No.
SEAGOON I can’t answer that — can you?
BLUEBOTTLE No.
SEAGOON Ignorant swine. Got that down, Sergeant Throat?
THROAT Yes.
SEAGOON Good.
THROAT Yes.
SEAGOON Right, we catch the very next troop convoy to Algiers. And who better to drive us out of the country than Ray Ellington and his Quartet?
QUARTET ‘OL’MAN RIVER’.

(Applause)
ORCHESTRA ‘VICTORY AT SEA’ THEME.

PETER And now…
F.X. WASH OF WAVES ON SHIP’S PROW.

BILL Seagoon and Bluebottle travelled by sea. To avoid detection by enemy U-boats they spoke German throughout the voyage, heavily disguised as Spaniards.
PETER As an added precaution they travelled on separate decks and wore separate shoes on different occasions.
SEAGOON The ship was disguised as a train — to make the train sea-worthy it was done up to look like a boat and painted to appear like a tram.
SPIKE …All rather confusing, really.
SEAGOON Also on board were Major Bloodnok and his regiment. When we were ten miles from Algiers we heard a dreaded cry.
ECCLES (off) Mine ahead — dreadful sea-mine ahead.
BLOODNOK (approach) What’s happening here — why are all these men cowering down on deck, the cowards?
SEAGOON There’s a mine ahead.
BLOODNOK Mi—
F.X. HURRIED FOOTSTEPS AWAY AND THEN SPLASH.

SEAGOON Funny — he wasn’t dressed for swimming.
ECCLES Hey, dere’s no need to worry about the mine.
BLUEBOTTLE Yes, I must worry — I don’t want to be deaded — I’m wearing my best sports shirt. (Hurriedly puts on cardboard tin hat.)
ECCLES Don’t worry — dat mine, it can’t hurt us — it’s one of ours.
F.X. EXPLOSION.br>
SEAGOON Eccles, is the ship sinking?
ECCLES Only below the sea.
SEAGOON We must try and save the ship — help me get it into the lifeboat.
ECCLES O.K….Upppppppppp.
BOTH (Grunts and groans)
ECCLES It’s no good, the ship won’t fit in the lifeboat.
SEAGOON What a ghastly oversight by the designer. Never mind, it leaves room for one more in the boat.
BLOODNOK I’m willing to fill that vacancy.
SEAGOON How did you get, back on board?
BLOODNOK I was molested by a lobster with a disgusting mind.
SEAGOON Right, Bloodnok, do your duty.
BLOODNOK (calls) Women and children first.
SEAGOON Bloodnok, take that dummy out of your mouth.
ECCLES Hey, don’t leave me behind.
BLOODNOK And why not?
ECCLES …Give me time and I’ll think of a reason.
BLOODNOK Right, wait here until Apple Blossom Time — meantime, Seagoon, lower away.
F.X. WINCHES GOING.

ECCLES Hey — if you make room for me, I’ll pay ten pounds.
F.X. SPLASH.

SEAGOON (off) You swine Bloodnok —
BLOODNOK Business is business — get in, Eccles
ECCLES Ta.
SEAGOON (off) Look, I’ll pay twenty pounds for a place in the boat.
F.X. SPLASH.

BLOODNOK (off) Aeiough, you double-crosser, Eccles.
ECCLES Get in, Captain Seagoon.
HARRY Ahhh, thank you Eccles — myyy friend.
BLOODNOK (off) Thirty pounds for a place.
F.X. SPLASH.

ECCLES (off) You ain’t my friend.
BLOODNOK Ahhhh, good old Seagoon, you’ve saved me.
SEAGOON My pal.
ECCLES (off) Fifty pounds for a place in the boat.
F.X. TWO DISTANT SPLASHES.

SPIKE Alert listeners will have heard two splashes — this means that both Bloodnok and Seagoon have been hurled in the water — who could have done this?
BLUEBOTTLE Ha heuheuheuheuheuhuh — I dood it I doo — I hid behind a tin of dry biscuits and then I grabbed their tootsies and upppp into the water — ha heheu huehhhhh —
ECCLES Bluebottle, you saved my life.
BLUEBOTTLE 0 ha well, we all make mistakes! I like this game — what school do you go to?
ECCLES Reform. (Both fading off)
SEAGOON Tricked by the brilliant planning of Bluebottle and Eccles, Bloodnok and I floundered in the cruel sea.
F.X. SEA.

BLOODNOK Fortunately we found a passing lifeboat and dragged ourselves aboard.
SEAGOON We had no oars but luckily we found two outboard motors and we rowed with them.
BLOODNOK Brilliant.
SEAGOON For thirty days we drifted to and fro — then hunger came upon us.
BLOODNOK Aeioughhhhhhhh — if I don’t eat soon I’ll die and if I die I won’t eat soon. Wait — (sniffffff) can I smell cooking or do my ears deceive me?
SEAGOON He was right — he has smelly ears — something was cooking — there in the other end of the lifeboat was — a gas stove! Could this be the end of our search?
BLOODNOK I’ll knock on the oven door.
F.X. KNOCKING ON OVEN DOOR.

MORIARTY (off) Just a minute, I’m in the bath …(Pause)
F.X. COMING DOWN IRON STAIRS. MORIARTY SINGING. OVEN DOOR OPENS.

MORIARTY Good morning — I’m sorry — you!!!
SEAGOON Yes — remember Bexhill — I lent you the matches.
MORIARTY You don’t want them back?
SEAGOON Don’t move — I arrest you as the Dreaded Batter Pudding Hurler. Hands up, you devil — don’t move — this finger is loaded.
MORIARTY If you kill me I promise you’ll never take me alive.
BLOODNOK Wait — how can we prove it?
SEAGOON That Batter Pudding in the corner of the stove is all the evidence we need. We’ve got him.
ORCHESTRA CRASHING TRIUMPHANT THEME.

F.X. QUIET SEA. LAPPING OF WAVES.

BILL But it wasn’t easy — forty days they drifted in an open boat.
FIDDLE ‘HEARTS AND FLOWERS’.

BLOODNOK Oooaeioughhh, I tell you Seagoon — let’s eat the Batter Pudding or we’ll starve!!
SEAGOON No, d’yer hear me — no! That’s the only evidence we’ve got — though I must admit this hunger does give one an appetite.
BLOODNOK We must eat it or die.
SEAGOON Never!!!
BLOODNOK We must.
BOTH (Fade off)
BILL And that, we fear, is the end of our story except, of course, for the end — we invite listeners to submit what they think should be the classic ending. Should Seagoon eat the Batter Pudding and live or leave it and in the cause of justice — die? Meantime, for those of you cretins who would like a happy ending — here it is.
GRAMS SWEET BACKGROUND MUSIC, VERY, VERY SOFT.

HARRY Darling — darling, will you marry me?
BLOODNOK Of course I will — darling.
BILL Thank you — good night.
ORCHESTRA SIGNATURE TUNE: UP AND DOWN FOR:—

BILL That was The Goon Show — a recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan with the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray. The Orchestra was conducted by Wally Stott. Script by Spike Milligan. Announcer: Wallace Greenslade. The programme produced by Peter Eton.
ORCHESTRA SIGNATURE TUNE UP TO END.
(Applause)
MAX & ORCHESTRA ‘CRAZY RHYTHM’ PLAYOUT.

Explanatory notes on references which are old, British, or otherwise obscure:

  1. Rowton House — a chain of hostels for the poor in England
  2. Lady Docker — English socialite. Married 3 men who were all successful businessmen selling luxury goods. She was noted for often scandalous and rude behavior as well as shady claims on her taxes.
  3. John Snagge — A BBC newsreader and commentator
  4. George Sanders — British actor known for his suave portrayel of aristocratic, often villainous characters. Voiced the tiger, Shere Khan, in Disney’s The Jungle Book. Goon Show character Grytpype-Thinne modeled on him.
  5. Desert Song — A popular musical (and later a movie) produced several times. A military plot with a love story set in Morrocco.
  6. D’Oyly Carte — a light-opera company. Most famously produced the Gilbert and Sullivan operas among many others, including Desert Song.
  7. OBE — An award/honor/title — Officer of the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire
  8. Dummy — British slang for a baby’s pacifier, with much the same meaning, i.e. it keeps the baby quiet (dumb).



Some notes on the Goon Show characters to aid the unfamiliar actor

Ned Seagoon — Usually the hero of the story. Not bright, but no particular voicing to give it away. Harry Secombe was a tenor, so don’t voice this with a deep voice. A line like “Yesyesyesyesyes” should be rapid with a rising inflection.
99 lines in this episode

Henry Crun — Old man, warbly voice, much more conservative than his frequent companion, Minnie Bannister.
37 lines in this episode

Minnie Bannister — Spinster, but young-at-heart and a free spirit. Good musician. Frequent companion of Henry Crun.
21 lines in this episode

Grytpype-Thynne — (pronounced grit-pipe-thin) suave, British, aristocratic voice. Often plays a villain (though not in this episode). Often extremely impoverished with criminal plans to make money (but not in this episode). Often partnered with Moriarty in these schemes and treats Moriarty as his punching bag (not in this episode).
14 lines in this episode

Seargent Throat — Humor derived from the throaty/croaky/belchy-sounding voice, and from obviously being a bit part — most typical line is “Right.”
5 lines in this episode

Major Bloodnok — All bluster and cowardice. Will sell-out anyone for money. Many digestive problems with accompanying humor from the various sounds and problems eminating therefrom.
36 lines in this episode

Eccles — A dunce, beloved by audiences. Voice is slow and stupid. Sometimes his lines had hidden profundity or cleverness.
22 lines in this episode

Odium — I don’t know much about this character. Member of the lower-class?
3 lines in this episode

Moriarty — French aristocrat, sometimes impoverished, sometimes a lackey to Grytpype-Thinne.
8 lines in this episode

Willium — A cockney character.
2 lines in this episode

Bluebottle — A boyscout. (12-years old? younger?) Has a high-pitched, nasal voice. Not bright, takes things literally. Often reads his stage directions out-loud as if dialogue. Also an audience favorite.
7 lines in this episode

Wallace Greenslade — A.K.A. Bill. The BBC announcer and narrator of the Goon Show.
8 lines in this episode

Spike Milligan — Voiced many of the Goon Show characters and wrote many episodes.
9 lines as himself in this episode

Peter Sellers — Voiced many of the Goon Show characters.
5 lines as himself in this episode

Harry Secombe — Voiced Ned Seagoon in the Goon Show.
6 lines as himself in this episode, though one of them was probably supposed to be Ned.




A few of the sound effects are longer than needed. You have the controls to stop them and you can turn their volume down too, when you want to let them play on, but in the background.


Note: Unless you have a large crowd most will need to play multiple parts. This is part of the fun. Neddie is a large role, so who ever plays that shouldn’t play anyone else.